By Gabrielle Helmin-Clazmer
For the past five years I’ve used the internet to court dudes. At this point, I kind of consider myself an online dating connoisseur. My experience hasn’t been all bad, but I’ve got to tell you – I’ve kissed a lot of frogs. And, if the statistics they’re throwing around are true, chances are you have too.
I’ve encountered some pretty crazy shit in my pursuit of e-romance, and I thought I’d share some of my more frequently encountered oddities and red flags with you. Proceed with caution.
1] The Adonis in the profile picture shows up looking like a balding Har-Mar Superstar.
This is pretty standard in the online dating game. I’ve gotten compliments on how I actually look like my photos. Crazy.
2] They want you to fulfill fantasies, such as sex on a desk.
Does this even constitute a “fantasy?” Are some people doomed to slough through life in a deskless world?
3] Seemingly sweet guys end up being bisexual swingers.
His “number,” consequently, is more than 250. I never said yes to his invitations to swinger parties, though, and now I’m curious.
4] He’ll stalk you via text and social media years after you told him to fuck off.
5] He asks if he can move in on the 1st date.
6] He tells you he LOVES you at the end of the 1st date.
Same person, obviously.
7] You swipe right, only to be discouraged by the rest of his photos. You wish you swiped left.
Always be thorough with your research.
8] Lots of guys may want to fuck your feet.
I don’t understand the appeal.
9] He only talks about his job as a fitness trainer [could be worse].
10] You’ll get treated like a porn star, and not in a good way [is there a good way?]
Lots of Grey/Steele intimidation, and the desire to put things where they don’t belong… without asking.
11] Dick pics. Lots and lots of dick pics.
I will not elaborate.
12] Your match may have a feminine curiosity, and you may find him with your bra on.
When you encounter him, he may look you in the eye and remark on the tight fit.
13] Your date will order the opposite of what you want, when you already stated your preference.
“Do you like red or white wine?”
“Okay, we’ll get red then.”
14] You will get odd and desperate propositions for sex.
“If $1 million was on the line would you have sex with me in the middle of Mall of America? In the Lovesac store? In the Amazing Mirror Maze?”
15] They aren’t afraid to tell you their sob stories.
Fire your shrink and write a way-too-honest OkCupid message instead. Consider dishing about your ex who aborted her twins, or about that time you saved a friend from committing suicide, all in harrowing detail.
16] He’s 27 and living with his mom. She calls multiple times throughout the date.
For the record, when I agreed to the date I only knew his age and that he had a car and a job. I later learned it was as a janitor at his old elementary school. Go me.
17] Sometimes you feel like a sociopath, because after a while internet profiles just don’t seem like real people.
18] Older men will want to be your sugar daddy, in exchange for sex or the GFE.
GFE = Girlfriend Experience.
19] One may ask you to take his virginity.
In my case, I chose to talk him out of it. In the end, he really appreciated I took the time to lay out the pros and cons for him.
20] You actually meet a nice guy who you end up dating.
Congratulations. You are a wizard.