Twenty Things That Happen When You Date Online

By Gabrielle Helmin-Clazmer

For the past five years I’ve used the internet to court dudes. At this point, I kind of consider myself an online dating connoisseur. My experience hasn’t been all bad, but I’ve got to tell you – I’ve kissed a lot of frogs. And, if the statistics they’re throwing around are true, chances are you have too.

I’ve encountered some pretty crazy shit in my pursuit of e-romance, and I thought I’d share some of my more frequently encountered oddities and red flags with you. Proceed with caution.

Elliot Rodger Profile

1] The Adonis in the profile picture shows up looking like a balding Har-Mar Superstar.
This is pretty standard in the online dating game. I’ve gotten compliments on how I actually look like my photos. Crazy.

2] They want you to fulfill fantasies, such as sex on a desk.
Does this even constitute a “fantasy?” Are some people doomed to slough through life in a deskless world?

Sister 3some

3] Seemingly sweet guys end up being bisexual swingers.
His “number,” consequently, is more than 250. I never said yes to his invitations to swinger parties, though, and now I’m curious.

4] He’ll stalk you via text and social media years after you told him to fuck off.
Seriously.

5] He asks if he can move in on the 1st date.

6] He tells you he LOVES you at the end of the 1st date.
Same person, obviously.

7] You swipe right, only to be discouraged by the rest of his photos. You wish you swiped left.
Always be thorough with your research.

8] Lots of guys may want to fuck your feet.
I don’t understand the appeal.

9] He only talks about his job as a fitness trainer [could be worse].

10] You’ll get treated like a porn star, and not in a good way [is there a good way?]
Lots of Grey/Steele intimidation, and the desire to put things where they don’t belong… without asking.

11] Dick pics. Lots and lots of dick pics.
I will not elaborate.

12] Your match may have a feminine curiosity, and you may find him with your bra on.
When you encounter him, he may look you in the eye and remark on the tight fit.

13] Your date will order the opposite of what you want, when you already stated your preference.
“Do you like red or white wine?”
“White, please.”
“Okay, we’ll get red then.”
“…”

Humiliation

14] You will get odd and desperate propositions for sex.
“If $1 million was on the line would you have sex with me in the middle of Mall of America? In the Lovesac store? In the Amazing Mirror Maze?”
“…”
“$2 million?”

15] They aren’t afraid to tell you their sob stories.
Fire your shrink and write a way-too-honest OkCupid message instead. Consider dishing about your ex who aborted her twins, or about that time you saved a friend from committing suicide, all in harrowing detail.

16] He’s 27 and living with his mom. She calls multiple times throughout the date.
For the record, when I agreed to the date I only knew his age and that he had a car and a job. I later learned it was as a janitor at his old elementary school. Go me.

17] Sometimes you feel like a sociopath, because after a while internet profiles just don’t seem like real people.
Sue me.

18] Older men will want to be your sugar daddy, in exchange for sex or the GFE.
GFE = Girlfriend Experience.

19] One may ask you to take his virginity.
In my case, I chose to talk him out of it. In the end, he really appreciated I took the time to lay out the pros and cons for him.

Success!

20] You actually meet a nice guy who you end up dating.
Congratulations. You are a wizard.